最近半年可以说是我内在改变最大的半年，基础是新工作给了我足够的经济支持和眼界。
今天是春节假期最后一天，我又陷入了固定的模式，长假最后一天失眠，类似创伤加恐慌。
我已经接受了我永远无法达成我理想的目标，因为我总会把目标更新到我无法轻易达到的一个状态。可问题出在我如何保持动机，当我做的已经超出以前的目标很多次，我如何说服自己做得还不够呢？
最近半年更新了我的价值观，我开始尝试重新定位自己，以前我认为自己是个混得还行的普通人，最近我在考虑另外一种可能：我是不是一个混得很惨的聪明人？
我现在还处于混沌期，很重要的一点，我是否要利用自己的方法论，去谋求更多的财富。
每天12点前要睡觉，7点半要起床。
每周大于4天，总数大于4个小时的运动时间。
每个工作日要做一次当天工作展望和一次总结，同样的每周和每月也要有相应的，并且要留下书面记录。
减少自己看手机的时间，怎么减还要想想办法。
春节后进入了一种失速的状态，整体的感觉每天都是做不完的事情，to do list越来越长，做完的事情没有增加的事情多。只能等待有些事情自己消失。
这也不是第一次遇到类似的问题了，这次的特殊性是现在并不是一般意义上的忙季，外因大概2个，一是Counter Part来了新同事，磨合的过程属实suffer，二是NEP消耗了大量的时间与精力。内因则是疫情导致的无规律生活，虽然这部分无法控制，但是我自己的应对更消极，耽误了不少时间。
这两天也一直在找RC，应该出在2个环节，1是很多事情没有有效的追踪管理，2是有多个环节的项目管理没有持续的推进，特别是委托出去的工作如果没有及时回复，就会直接从我的视野里消失，再想起来就随缘或者deadline了。
这样子恶性循环，我下意识就会排斥。
CA：
I realized I have changed a lot recently, after some activities & what I felt.
I am really appreciated what currently job gave me.
I can say that I’m not the same level any more.
视野不同了，看很多事情也不同了，但是并不是说觉得自己更有力量，反而是更清楚地认识自己，和自己的能力（力量）。
之前订的目标依旧在，依旧能给我提供动力，但是作为动机来讲，弱了很多，我需要在忙完手头这些杂事后，在今年忙季到来之前给自己提供一个更完整的激励。
最近德约科维齐的签证事件成为了大新闻，其实事情不复杂，如果是一个普通人，无论是舆情和结论都会简单的很。
表达一下我的观点吧：
I spend 13 years in my last job @ZEISS, it gave me a lot to bring me up from an amateur graduate to a professional. But life isn’t always happy, there’re a lot of times I felt really bad that somebody made a mistake.
Now they’re experience memories, I want to write them down not for complain but notice myself not to do anything similar.
OK let’s start
About 2009, the second year & I reallocated to BJ from SH, my line manager forward a lot of advertisement about buying a flat, I can do nothing but ignore them as I can’t afford it. One day she asked me in the office if I had visited some of them & why not, I answer very honestly that I didn’t have money. She asked me 2 question which make me awkward – 1. What’s your salary? 2. Is it really as little as you said? One side I felt being admission by my boss, another hand I felt sad because she’s my manger who set the salary.
In 2011-2012, I got a chance of promotion. It said I will be acting the supervisor in next 6 month and I will be promoted, after the trial run. It’s a tough time that bring a brand new team from hiring, including the first time I fire a people. I start to complain to my line manager after 8 month, it’s a cold night on the road, we drink beer bought from 7-11, I knew it didn’t help as he’s waiting as same as me, I will be a supervisor if he can be the manger. Finally I got the promotion, it’s just a balance game from somebody, not I am not that good.
2014, I finish the 1 year assignment from Germany, back to China. It’s a hard time for me, I have to start everything from zero. And bad luck I suffer a lot. I lost my bag with personal laptop & iPad during exhibition, as an internal stupid mistake I have to pay money by myself. My manager want to compensate me even though she’s quitting, therefore she talk to her boss and told me he will handle it later. What I got is he haven’t say anything about it.
It’s not the first time I lost money from job, and I don’t think I need to be compensate, what I expected is somebody asked even falsely.
2016, after 6 month work with new manger, I found it’s not gonna work, between us. So I’m trying to find a new opportunity, internal or external. Finally I found a new position at sales team. Eventually there’re 2 global activities opening in Shanghai, and I was the owner, I organized everything even if I am not belong to the group theoretically. VP, who didn’t like me, knows I did my job & scarify in that weeks, but the director (boss of ex-manger) complain that I leave & refuse anybody. I knew why it comes, I would not blame who said it, because I knew how he lied as always. What I angry about the boss who I worked over 9 years choose to believe, I can understand he made this choice by benefit but not emotional, but how dare you said you are a warm leader & it’s a good team as family?
Was there my mistake for somehow? I think so. I am not good at communication, I didn’t fight for myself & I didn’t speak what I thought thoroughly. I was angry, sad but now it’s my experience memories, I am good & I can do better if I was in that same situation, as the victim or the boss.
At last, it’s a good job & company that I spend 13 years, I appreciate most time & people I worked with, even the people hurt me a lot. But somebody own me a sorry & I will never forgive it.
I was occupied by fragmental things for last months, it’s really frustrated that I didn’t get any achievement.
It’s a good lesson learnt that I should study ROI before I initialize an event. I actually did it well for long term activities, I can use the experience.
On another hand, I should make my time planned better, there’re some simple rules I am going to do in next days:
Cumulate a lot pressure from last weeks, not only works, but almost everything happened to me.
Work at Suzhou were delayed more than 6 weeks.
I realized my apartment would expired in 9/14, when it’s already 9/10.
Couldn’t get any support from anybody, even my family.
The most important, I can’t find a way to release my pressure. The reason why I’m writing here is to find how to bring me back to the normal sense.
缺少睡眠会导致判断力下降，无论如何也要保证一定量的睡眠。
谨言慎行，少说多做，注意沟通。
守住初心，守住底线。
利益面前，没有什么是一定的，但是对于一群理智的人，方向到是极好判断的。
关键时候，不要把希望放在不靠谱的人身上。
Frostpunk结束时会问通关玩家一句，但这一切值得嘛？
我没有坚持到游戏结束，因为最近，工作不允许我玩什么游戏，最近压力也超大，但是这一切值得嘛？
There’s not a simple yes or no. The world is complicated & I’m not young any more.
I made the choice when I started, I passed several challenges. I’m still the quite technician people as I did before, I don’t like to argue, I like to create great things, but the most important thing is I survived.
It’s a much more challenging situation in the next 6 month, but I believe I can survive again, thanks to the past year, I became a better person who can own my business.